The matter of whether to keep donor eggs a secret is a complex one because it triggers passionate responses in many of us.
Understandably so, as there are several parties involved each of which brings up different considerations. So almost everyone will have a view on donor eggs. Some will be concerned about the availability of information about the egg donor while others will advocate around how a donor egg baby feels.
In spite of this, due mainly to fears of running out of time to have a baby, donor egg thoughts often cruise in to claim your attention. Even when you are clear that you want to get pregnant with your own eggs.
This audio and article below was inspired by Yavi, one of the wonderful women in our tribe, who shared with me her decision to keep donor eggs a secret. Here is an excerpt from her message.
"My husband has an adult daughter with two children of her own...
I have kept our fertility journey a secret from her because I do not expect her to take the news well.
I have not told many that our journey involves donor eggs, including my mother."
Thank you, Yavi, for reaching out and sharing your story. The way I am inspired to support you now is to confirm first the following. There are times when it is absolutely appropriate to keep donor eggs a secret.
In my view, yours is one of those situations Yavi. In actual fact, I would go as far as to say that it is important for you - at this juncture - to keep donor eggs a secret. Why?
Because we live in a patriarchal, male world that has very clear ideas about what is appropriate for a woman - a world that permits us to express our creativity in a very limited way.
Even if it is not articulated audibly anymore, this boils down to the notion that women should (1) have a baby (2) with a man (3) within a marriage (preferably) or committed relationship (4) before 40.
Otherwise, patriarchal eyebrows are raised in one form or another. That alone explains some of the reasons why women feel the need to keep donor eggs a secret - because often woman over 40 are the ones exploring this possibility.
But that is not the only reason why I support your decision here. By looking more closely at the Creative Feminine™ and how she operates we get clues as to where she might stand on whether to keep donor eggs a secret.
You will notice for example, that the whole gestation period occurs in darkness. So apart from the baby's growth as reflected in an expanding belly, your child enjoys complete privacy.
For the first few months indeed, there is no evidence on the outside - to the patriarchal eye - that a pregnancy has begun or that a new creation is under way.
So although the decision to keep donor eggs a secret will get many people hot around the collar, feminine wisdom tells us over and over again that privacy plays an important role when creating something new. Especially in the early stages.
You might well decide to keep donor eggs a secret then, not at all because there is anything to be ashamed of.
But because when you are seeding something new and different (or something that others would not support you on), it needs time to find its place and ground. It needs space away from the patriarchal eye - a cushioning of sorts - in order to coalesce, consolidate and come into reality.
But its not just your baby who requires this, you do too - a space to bloom into the new version of you without the watchful, often judgemental, eyes of others.
We can see that most obviously in the post conception phase of baby making. But the privacy piece matters prior to that too, and this is what you are tapping into as you keep donor eggs a secret for now.
The reality is that certain people in your life would be more comfortable with you coming to terms with infertility and not thinking about donor eggs - at all. They like it the way things are right now. And it is wise for you to keep donor eggs a secret from them now.
But do so as a woman in your power, listening to the wisdom within - for a feminine perspective on donor eggs. Your decision to keep donor eggs a secret does not reflect a value judgement on your step-daughter or your mother, it’s just that your feminine wisdom is guiding you to maintain privacy around this - because that is what is necessary now.
Choosing to keep donor eggs a secret does not mean you don't tell donor egg baby about his or her origins. That is a matter for another day. But for now, follow your fertility intuition because you deserve to have all the privacy you need so that you can feel good on your journey into and through motherhood!
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your opinion around whether to keep donor eggs a secret or not. Please share with us below your experience or perspective because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.
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