When To Give Up Trying To Have A Baby After 40

when to give up trying to have a baby

When To Give Up Trying To Have A Baby  

Has this question been running through your mind - when to give up trying to have a baby? It did for me. And deciding to stop trying to get pregnant is not an easy one. In fact, giving up the motherhood dream can be a harrowing process.

Especially so in our patriarchal world where we have been programmed to believe that having children is the most valuable, worthy and natural expression of woman. And that birthing his children is part of a woman's responsibility to her partner/spouse. (I'm referring to male-female partnerships here but that dynamic can also show up in lesbian relationships). This video and article came about in response to the following request for guidance I received:

When to give up trying to have a baby?
Deirdre, when do I just give up?

When To Give Up Trying To Have A Baby -
Feminine Wisdom

This is a great question. And I'd like to comment, first of all, on the whole idea of giving up. It depends on what you're talking about. On the fertility journey, we are often invited to give things up.

For some, it's actually going to be the goal of being a mom. Not because they can't (although they may be experiencing 'infertility').  For this group, it is about an acceptance that having a baby is more about others' expectations and desires than what they truly want for themselves. And these women are being guided by their feminine wisdom to give up the patriarchal pressure of trying to have a baby at all. Because that is just not what they truly desire at a deeper level.

When To Give Up Trying To Have A Baby -
After 40

For others, it's going to be giving up trying so hard to be a mom. This fight with fertility often shows up for women over 40 who want to have a baby because of the huge pressure around time.

I remember on my own fertility journey, although I hadn't quite reached 40, coming to the point where I said: "No way. I am not living like this anymore". I was giving up the idea that this is all that mattered in the world. That it was now or never.  

But also, I came to understand that my feminine wisdom was guiding me to give up on beliefs and ideas that were obstacles to being the kind of mother and woman I wanted to be. Some of those, I wasn't aware of consciously at the time. But they included notions like 'my value is connected to whether or not I can have children'. 'My value in this relationship is dependent on whether I can have children with Julian or not". And these patriarchal performance indicators were hovering densely about.

So when I declared "I'm giving up", I found a huge relief in that as I discovered that I was not only giving up the fight with my fertility - I was giving up the idea that my value was in any way linked to the patriarchal result. To me having a baby. To me being a mother. And that was deliciously liberating!!!

At some level, I was just throwing in the towel. But at another level, I was saying "No, I'm not playing this patriarchal game anymore. It is just not true that my value is linked to motherhood".

Another Feminine Consideration

There is another portion of the 'when to give up trying to have a baby' pie that I invite you to nibble on. The patriarchal download has informed not only how a woman should be (i.e. you should be a mother). But also how that should happen. Preferably in a male-female relationship for example. Before a certain age. On demand. Without extra cost etc.

But I would like to remind you that your beautiful body and your fertility ooze feminine wisdom. A wisdom that cradles your deepest desires and what you need to flower as a woman. Including the optimum timing of same.

Perhaps, like me, you are being invited to give up ignoring that possibility. And surrender to the way motherhood really wants to show up for you now. Below I offer possibilities to consider around deciding when to give up trying to have a baby. If at all.

When To Give Up Trying To Have A Baby -
Making The Right Decision For You

Contrary to what we have been taught, the answer to when to give up trying to have a baby is not in your head. Nor is it in somebody else's helpful head! It is within you and can be heard as you tune into and listen to your true feelings. To facilitate this process, you might like to play around with the following:

  • Turn off the patriarchal rhetoric about time running out to have a baby for a while (or a lot longer!) and see what comes up when you consider these:
  • How would it feel to press pause on the' trying to get pregnant' button?
  • What if you were to do that for just a while? Maintain your focus on feelings here.
  • And what happens when you replace 'giving up' with 'being authentic'?

Patriarchy prefers the straight line. A, B, C. But your feminine wisdom is is not restricted to this geometric configuration. She will take the rest and recuperation time she needs and sometimes seems to distract you away from your goal.

But she is holds the big picture. Not just around having your baby. But also what you would love as a mother. If giving up feels even a little bit better, that is clear guidance.

It doesn't mean that the journey is over. It's just an invitation related to your next step. Don't be afraid to play with these ideas. Or to practice playing with them. As you do so you will gain more clarity. And you can always try for a while, take baby step and/or change your mind.

Dip your toe into the possibility that something beautiful is ahead for you. And that your feminine feelings are assisting you in finding your wonderful way. But for sure, giving up on how it 'ought' to be will support your Creative Feminine® in very lovely ways - and help you to show up as the woman and mother you were born to be!

Video - When To Give Up Trying To have A Baby

More Resources For You

- Should You Let The Dream Go Of Having A Baby At 48 Years?
- Listen To This Feminine Wisdom Visualisation
- Dealing With The Emotions of Infertility

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