Have you been considering whether or not to use donor eggs? It's not a decision that most women take lightly as it flies in the face of so many ideas we have about motherhood (like wanting your baby to have your genes).
Nevertheless, due to fears around egg reserves running out, our whole understanding of age and fertility after 40 and the pressure to produce, many of us find ourselves wondering if we should use donor eggs..
It's a subject I have explored already in 'Should I give up or try with donor eggs?' but this audio and article below, which was inspired by a message from Amber, offers another feminine perspective on donor eggs. Allow me to introduce her...
Amber, 45, is the mother of a two year old daughter who was conceived naturally following several miscarriages and one round of ivf. Here is an extract of what Amber shared with me:
“Ideally, I would want to get pregnant with my own eggs. But we have been considering egg donation as the stats they give are much better.
Since November, I have been thinking about how I feel about this. To be honest, I vary from day to day. On balance though, as using my eggs statistically doesn’t sound like an option, I am happy to proceed with egg donation.
I then have thoughts racing through my mind of, "am I doing IVF as one last ditch attempt as nothing else is working?", or "is it the right thing to do?" I do know that if I don’t try it though, I will feel like I have failed. It may sound weird but if I try and it doesn’t work then I know that at least I tried everything to get pregnant.
I so want it to be successful. In the background is a biological clock ticking and although I know that technically it isn’t now or never, in my husband’s mind it is. It has been a battle to convince him to come to this clinic. Can you offer any advice?”
Thank you so much for reaching out Amber. The first piece that I would like to address is the following statement: “I do know that if I don’t try it though, I will feel like I have failed.” My sense, Amber, is that a sense of failure has already crept into your story and your perception of yourself - (in a general way at least).
I am not sure if that resonates but you shared in another place that it's very important for you to provide a sibling for your daughter and you are feeling pressure around that. But in addition to dealing with fertility stress and miscarriage grief you are feeling overwhelmed in general - being the main bread-winner for the family.
What comes up for me is that you are experiencing a sense of failure due to the patriarchal download which sets us up for failure - with totally unrealistic expectations - by leading us to believe that 'mother' is responsible for just about everything. So after giving somebody life we duly feel it necessary to provide life-long company and be there all the time. (Reading between the lines in other parts of your share, I sensed that you are not so happy having to work full-time and put your daughter into child-care).
Tip 1 for you Amber is to decide that failure just doesn't have a place in your motherhood story. It doesn't serve you at all and it undermines your relationship with your daughter. Because if you are feeling that there is something missing in what you are providing her, she will feel that and provide you with evidence of same. In psychology, this is called the self-fulfilling prophecy.
Which leads me to Tip 2. Allow yourself to feel your success instead. For example, you might like to focus on the fact that you became pregnant naturally at 42 and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. This is hugely inspiring for so many women. But you can also allow yourself to feel proud that you are learning about how to engage your feminine wisdom in motherhood and that you belong to a tribe of women bringing about a new paradigm in the world.
Your daughter is very lucky because you are so far ahead of the patriarchal posse in this regard and she is going to benefit hugely from that - by not having to take on board so many wearying ideas about women that deplete us.
Since we are on the topic of success, there is another aspect of this that is important as you decide whether or not to use donor eggs. You said that you "so want it to be successful”. What I am wondering here is if the success you really seek Amber, is to transform this story entirely. I am feeling that you are exhausted with being under so much pressure for so long.
(Tip 3) I would just like to invite you to fast forward in your mind to 10 years’ time for example. Imagine yourself looking back on this very stressful period of your life - in which you poured so much energy into being a mother - and see how it marks the turning point when you began to listen deeply to your own feminine wisdom. The time when you allowed yourself to become honest with what your needs are now as a woman and a mother and begin to have them met.
Would you love to look back in pride around how you maneuvered through these questions (about whether to use donor eggs) and through the stress of juggling all these ball and moved into a place of peace, clarity and a deep accepting of who you are now?
How would that feel Amber? And what kind of legacy would that be giving to your daughter? Because I am wondering if a deeper part of you is really seeking that first. Before you decide on whether to use donor eggs or otherwise.
As I recommended in another post Amber (don't want an only child), I am really guiding you to take time out here when it comes to your decision around whether to use donor eggs. So you can be engaging your feminine wisdom and connect with your deeper truth.
My sense is that once you start listening to your deepest desires as a woman - not just a mother - you will enjoy much greater clarity around whether you want another child and whether you want to use donor eggs. When you discover your own feminine clarity, it will become obvious where life - as opposed to struggle - is inviting you to go. Because the patriarchal debris and conditions will drift away and your beautiful path can open up....
That’s where I am inviting you to invest your energy now. And it's a beautiful thing to model to your daughter and other women - an allowing of yourself to discard patriarchal ideas about what you should do or be and reclaim your intrinsic value.
If, after that, you are clear that you still really want to use donor eggs Amber, then you will find here tips for a healthy donor egg pregnancy. Enjoy the journey!
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience around whether to use donor eggs or what helped you make a decision. Please share with us below as your feminine contribution here really, really matters!
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