After a while, trying to have a baby may well begin to take on a sense of urgency. Especially if you are concerned about your biological clock after 40. There are plenty of articles out there on tips for trying to conceive, how to get pregnant fast and common baby-making mistakes to avoid.
I have published previously on what to do when you have been trying to conceive for years and how to cope with getting your period when trying to conceive.
But have you ever asked yourself 'why am I trying to have a baby'? This audio and article below were inspired by a message I received from a woman in her late 40s.
From my experience in fertility after 40, what she shared below taps into something deeper that is going on for many women on the fertility journey. The following is a summary of her situation...
Hannah is in a relationship with a man who already has children and she is now trying to have a baby with donor eggs. She explained that a big part of the reason she wanted a baby was that it felt important that they move forward in a shared direction together as a couple.
I understand this totally and remember myself thinking "we love each other so what are we waiting for." As if having a baby together was the next logical step in a loving relationship.
But I would like to bring your attention to the fact that, in patriarchy, it has been assumed that having children is the most valuable direction a woman can share with her partner. And this is just not true.
Nonetheless, it has been the download we have received and leads many of us into trying to have a baby even when we are not ready. Or when pursuing that goal doesn't feel authentic for us at a deeper level.
So first of all, I would like to invite you to consider that while having children is a beautiful direction, it is only one of many meaningful, fulfilling paths that a couple can share.
Secondly, I would like to invite you to reconnect with your true creative power here and just spend some time exploring other possible directions that you could share together. Other possible shared goals that are meaningful for both of you.
Now, the intention here is not to close the door on having a baby. It's just inviting into the future other possibilities also. Because when you feel there are other possibilities ahead, the pressure to have a child is off.
And you can choose that then from your own personal truth as opposed to following the linear, patriarchal pathway that has been set out. And thinking that you have no other worthwhile choices.
This exercise is useful in helping to discern whether moving forward with donor eggs is the right one for you. And it will elicit a discussion and reflections with your partner about possibilities and adventures that will enrich your lives....with or without a baby.
For me, what's coming up is that this is not just about having a shared direction with your partner. I'm feeling that your feminine wisdom is inviting you take an even wider perspective on your life - and look at the legacy you want to leave for yourself as a woman.
So the third suggestion I have here for you Hannah, is to imagine 20 years down the line - when you are reflecting back - what kind of conversations would you love to be having your partner? "Oh, remember we ...". Finish off that sentence with statements that would feel wonderful to be discussing with him in 20 years time. Come up with 10 ideas that would feel deeply meaningful to you both.
It may take some time if you haven't put any thought into it until now. But that's okay. The important thing to remember here is that your value as a woman and a partner is not linked to having a baby. And that you can have a rich, meaningful relationship with your partner - with or without a child.
By allowing space to reflect on the above, you may find that the importance of having a baby together diminishes. Or not. But either way, you will have mapped out a meaningful direction for you both that will nourish you, your relationship and your baby in very beautiful ways!