To tell donor egg baby or not? Perhaps this is something that you have been contemplating. For many women, this pondering emerges from deeper desires - two of which I have explored in the following titles:
They are worth a read, I believe, if you are seeking a more feminine perspective around donor eggs.
But back to the 'telling donor egg baby' issue....
In my research for this post, I came across an interesting article written by Nancy Hass. A mother herself (with the help of a surrogate), she considers - from several perspectives - the issue of disclosing, to a donor egg baby, his or her true origins.
This audio and article below were inspired by Annie's comment on a previous post I wrote called 'Should I Tell Others I Used Donor Eggs?'. Here is what she had to say:
Deirdre, I liked your insight into the use of donor eggs. My sister used donor eggs and she has decided not to tell her child about his origin. But is that right not telling your child the truth at some stage in his life?
What happens if he finds out in adulthood? Won't that create a trust issue in relation to his mother? My second question is when is the right time to tell your child about his/her origins?
Thank you for the great question Annie! And the way I am guided to respond first is by shedding light on the context in which this question arises.
In patriarchy, we have been downloaded with the idea that there is 'a right way' - and trained to follow the rules. We have learned that deviating from what is perceived as right must be.... wrong. And education around the globe is soaked in these assumptions.
So that is one important piece I see showing up in this dialogue. And my sense is that we are being invited to expand our notion now about what is right and acceptable here.
But there is another patriarchal pattern present in this that influences - to a significant degree in my view - the donor egg discussion. That is the habit of blaming woman and mother for anything 'wrong' in a child's life. Father's tend to escape this pervasive judgement because, at one level or another, the belief that women are to blame weaves seamlessly through the fabric of our patriarchal world. And threads together many of the entanglements in the donor egg debate.
But, I want to address your question more personally Annie. Because I can hear clearly that you care very much about your sister and her son. And that you absolutely want the best for these people you love.
So instead of trying to figure this out (which is a patriarchal approach), I invite you to engage your gorgeous feminine wisdom. And draw from the Form step of my Feminine Engagement Method® which is to form/create the story that you want here.
Because I am sensing that what you would love is for this child to grow up with a sense of wholeness, feeling really good about himself. That your sister would make the very best decisions and that their mother/child relationship would be something gorgeous.
So I'm inviting you to visualise that happening. That your nephew grows up to be a confident, grounded man who loves his life. That your sister is guided into sharing at the perfect moment in the perfect way.
And that the experience of him discovering his origins is filled with understanding and appreciation. An event or process that feels very special indeed. That's where I'm inviting you to pour your creative feminine energy when you consider this. Because that will serve you also Annie.
Not just because you are preparing for motherhood yourself. But because this will facilitate you moving from a patriarchal approach to problem solving into one that reconnects you to your creative feminine power.
By focusing your energy on seeing the future that you want and imagining these people showing up in a way that allows them to thrive.
I invite you to play around with these ideas Annie. And notice if it feels better to picture the best future for them (and you) or try to figure-out this patriarchal conundrum. Because if the former feels better, your feminine wisdom is letting you know that these kinds of positive thoughts are in alignment with your true desires.
And by engaging in them you are supporting your creative feminine too!
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