Are you finding that there is so much work to be a mother? Or feeling that you can't have a baby no matter what you do. (By the way, these 3 tips will support you even if you already have a child and don't really want a baby).
Her reply back warranted another post because it shone the light on the experience so many of us have as women trying to get pregnant, while pregnant and during motherhood. Here is what she had to share:
I also received the post you wrote using my experience as an inspiration to help other women and I want to thank you. I can't express all my gratitude and how much this means to me.
Your words really resonate with me. I have been pretending that I'm okay, that my heart isn't hurting, that my baby didn't exist. My throat hurts as well as my empty womb.
I have a lot of work to do. I will continue to reread your words and steps to help me feel whole again. So thank you for listening for really understanding and for being there. Blessings, Heather.
Heather thank you so much for your feedback. When I read your message it stirred a lot in me, and I would like to address this in three ways with the intention of serving you now. The first is the idea that there is so much work to be a mother and I would just like to remind you that this really is a part of the patriarchal conditioning.
We have been led to believe that 'working hard' is how you achieve what you want - and of course work has an important role. But when dealing with tender feminine issues a 'work' attitude is not the one that will support you most. Your words, however, are reflecting a deeper truth that is not often expressed aloud.
There is so much work to be a mother - in our patriarchal world. Whether it's domestic chores, (which covers everything from organising clean clothes to trying to ensure nutritional needs are met), managing other people's emotions (our children's and partner's), attending a job outside the home or all of the above, the experience in patriarchy is one in which there is so much work to be a mother.
As I write, I am reminded of a conversation with a man who proudly proclaimed his "uber success" as a parent. What struck me with this announcement was that I had never heard a woman express anything remotely close to this about her mothering.
While his superlative is an extreme (and good for him for feeling that), it does reflect how different the experience of parenthood can be for men. I have observed many other dads sharing super positive conclusions about their input - but not moms.
In part, this happens because we are assessing different things and women are tuned into deeper layers that may not be on a man's radar.
But it is also much easier for a man to experience success in parenthood. Because the expectations of women that hold our patriarchal world (and families) together were crafted by men and designed to maintain male empowerment.
So Tip 1 Heather is to be aware that your experience of miscarriage and how you are processing miscarriage grief is occurring within a model that believes a woman is less valuable - so logically we have so much work to be a mother (a good one). Because that awareness will help you to obtain some distance from it.
I recall the same happening to me - feeling overwhelmed by fertility - and especially after my third miscarriage (with Julianito) having the sense that I had so much work to be a mother - the kind of mother I wanted to be. At that stage my fertility energy was drained.
It did require change on my part to become that woman (which is a something that evolves for me everyday), but it wasn't through hard work Heather - which leads me to tip 2.
Instead of feeling that you have so much work to be a mother - in the way you want - I'm inviting you to be engaging your feminine wisdom instead.
The image that comes up for me is that of a flower bud and that you don't actually need to go anywhere, work hard or fix yourself in any way. What is being called for here (Tip 2) is an allowing of yourself to open to your wholeness (and flowering) at your own feminine pace.
You will notice with a rose, for example, that it's not a linear motion from bud to full bloom. It's an opening that reveals the wholeness. Your wholeness is contained within you now and I'm inviting you to surrender to that journey instead of believing that you have so much work to do.
The 3rd tip is triggered by a vivid memory of my own experience. I just recall so clearly - again with Julianito - feeling extremely fragile. So much so that I was nervous of leaving the house alone. I remember needing to go to town for example and wanting Julian to come with me because I didn't feel safe or protected.
It may not be this extreme for you Heather but miscarriage - as you well know - can be fracturing. I'm inviting you, (Tip 3) to imagine us around you offering a beautiful, authentic circle of feminine support. Feel in your heart, that we are holding a space for you to be able to open up - in your own feminine time.
In your mind's eye, imagine that we are providing you with protection now from patriarchal demands that might interfere with you surrendering to your wholeness. A place where aloneness doesn't enter and it is safe for you to be your true, feminine self.
We know that there is wisdom in your journey. We respect deeply the value of your experiences, of your babies and of your process and we hold the space for you to feel your wholeness again now.
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience of having so much work to be a mother. Please comment below as your feminine contribution here really, really matters.
More Resources For You
Let me coach you - so you can feel comfort and peace instead now.