Do you sometimes pretend infertility is OK? I remember putting on a brave face and learning (eventually) to become very selective about what I shared and with whom.
In my research for this article I was reminded also of the phenomena of other people pretending away infertility because it makes them feel uncomfortable. And women pretending not to want children as a way of coping.
This audio and article below was inspired by a pattern I often observe in women on the fertility journey (especially fertility after 40). Which is to pretend infertility is OK. Here, I'd like to take a closer look at what this is really about - and share with you 3 tips to support your fertility now.
It's important to remember that we have grown up in a patriarchal world in which men have held the power. And a woman's value has been assessed from a masculine perspective (mostly related to her sexual attractiveness and ability to produce heirs).
In this setting, a woman's safety and success has depending on the degree to which she could satisfy these and other patriarchal roles. For many women, expressing honestly her feelings could result in physical punishment. But many more of us are familiar with another kind of 'not feeling safe'.
Because sharing authentically has led to ridicule, criticism and ostracism in one form or another. But the feminine needs to listen to, process and express emotions authentically in order to thrive. So we have learned to tolerate very high levels of discomfort.
In other words, we have inherited a patriarchal legacy in which 'pretending to be okay' is just normal.
So how can you transform infertility to motherhood in this climate? Well, the first part is just to recognise this patriarchal dynamic in which our experience of womanhood has emerged....
To see that although this is the reality we have grown up with, it does not reflect who we are. Or what is normal for a woman. And to understand that the time has come to birth together a new kind of relationship with the feminine - especially when it comes to our fertility.
You see, our patriarchal world doesn't understand the role of the feminine in the creative process. Or how, for example, feminine sensuality and the emotions of infertility can actually be leveraged to enhance your creative power.
Tip number 2, then, is about understanding the importance of having people in your life with whom you can share authentically and safely. Even if what you are feeling or wanting goes against the patriarchal grain.
Having a least one person with whom you can show up fully with your fertility doubts, when feeling overwhelmed by infertility - or just wondering how to cope with everyone else getting pregnant - will support you hugely.
Which leads me to the 3rd tip. Which is to invite you to consider - or remember preferably - that your feminine wisdom communicates with you through your desires and feelings. And that she is connected to your fertile power and tapped into all of what you truly really want.
When you feel you must pretend infertility is OK and you don't have people to share your true self with, you are preventing yourself from showing up fully as a woman and a mother. And distancing yourself from a beautiful future that is closer than you probably think possible.
That is why I am creating our Engaging the Feminine® Community and look forward to sharing more about that with you soon! Please share below your experience of "pretending" because your contribution here really, really matters.
Let me coach you - so you can feel comfort and peace instead now.