Not Seeing Eye To Eye On Donor Eggs?
It's a delicate scenario when your partner doesn't want donor eggs. Especially when you feel you are running out of time to have a baby and your back is to the wall to make a decision about whether you should give up or try with donor eggs.
This post - exploring the increasingly common occurrence of when a partner doesn't want donor eggs - was inspired by a comment Kate made on previous publication (thinking about donor eggs).
What follows are Kate's words and a sense of the confusion that emerges when a partner doesn't want donor eggs but you do.
I feel excited and amazed that this is now available and provides opportunity. However, how do you know the difference between feeling and thinking as both seem to be muddled?
I know I do too much thinking, but what I feel is not enough as I have to take into account my partner and he is currently not on board.
I have to think about what he is thinking, how much it affects him and us moving forward. There is too much to think about to just ignore that side and only go with the feeling bit."
The audio below answers Kate's question directly and I invite you to listen to that if you resonate with her experience. In the text that follows, however, I will dive into the 3 tips that will support you now when your partner doesn't want donor eggs.
You As A Woman
Tip 1: What is most crucial here is to become really clear about what is most important to you as a woman now - independent of your partner. Why do I start here?
Because in our patriarchal, male world, women have been raised to believe that having a baby is the most valuable contribution we can make. So we are expected to reproduce or at least want to. On top of that, we have been fed the idea that having a child together reflects the pinnacle of love between a couple. (That's not true by the way).
But the reality is that our global society steers women into motherhood even when it is not actually aligned with our own personal preferences and deeper truth.
And many women end up regretting their decision to have children.
However, by taking the time now to really tune into what is most precious to you as a woman, you will have the foundation piece in place. Becoming clear about this will help you to make the best decision for you and your future when your partner doesn't want donor eggs.
It Ain't Always What It Seems...
So once you are clear that motherhood is what you want at the deepest level of your being, then it is important to (Tip 2) explore further how you really feel about egg donation - for you. Answer the following questions honestly.
Does being a donor egg mom feel good for you? Or are you seeking to use donor eggs because you need to know that you tried everything to get pregnant. (The intention is to reveal some of the underlying dynamics involved here because sometimes these are more important to address first).
Does the idea of using another woman's egg feel expansive for you or is it really about your relationship. For example, might it be that what is going on is that you want your partner to want a baby too - as proof somehow (in patriarchy) that your love is true and mutual. Or perhaps what you really seek is to co-create something meaningful as a couple (e.g. see Hannah's story about trying to have a baby so that you have a shared 'project').
It's not that I am doubting your motives but I have had women tell me that they were scared that donor eggs would be successful for them. Because the deeper issue was not really about donor eggs. That might sounds strange but we are complicated beings and teasing out the deeper desires and fears behind you wanting to proceed when your partner doesn't want donor eggs will :
If you are in a relationship with somebody you really want to stay with (I am assuming here that it is a positive one) then what else is left to do if your partner doesn't want donor eggs?
(Tip 3) Instead of hoping for a change of mind or believing that your happiness is contingent on somebody else's agreement, I am inviting you to leverage your feminine power here. Make the decision that this discussion and exploration together will enrich you as individuals and as a couple.
Let it inspire a deeper understanding of each other and respect for your individual perspectives - even if they don't seem to converge in any compatible way right now. Decide that this journey together is one in which you are birthing together something beautiful and meaningful regardless.
Then be open to what shows up and where you are guided and give yourself permission to move on if that really feels like your truth now.
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience when a partner doesn't want donor eggs. Please share below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.
Partner Not On Board