What can you do when one embryo died? This post comes about in response to a message I received from Amata who had been pregnant with twins after embryo transfer. Here is what she had to say:
Dear Deirdre, it's not three of us anymore. One embryo was lost but there is still one precious little one that is growing. And I am five weeks and four days pregnant which is amazing and agonizing at the same time.
I was quite sad to hear the loss of the second one. I had this image of them both having each other and and I know how sensitive they are.
I really fear for this one. Does my baby feel my fear?”
Thank you so much Amata for taking the time to connect with me around this. I have addressed other aspects of your twin loss elsewhere but in this audio and article I would like to explore the following with the intention of serving you at this time.
I can hear in your message your desire to honour the embryo that died and your intention to show up in a way that allows your living baby to thrive. And although you are clearly focused forward, there is a sense of being pulled in two directions. As a mother.
The way I am guided to support you here is to help you to navigate through this in the best way for your living baby - and release this emotional tug-of-war.
So you can continue to pour your creative feminine power into what you truly want. Which is to hold your happy, healthy, living baby in your arms for the first time! And feel good as a mother....to both your beautiful babies.
The first way I am guided to support you is around the part of your share that says "it's not three of us anymore".
This, for me, feels very final Amata -no longer three. And the train of thought that follows then - because one embryo died- is that someone has been lost. There's something important missing now. Which of course is true Amata.
But I'm inviting you to recall that this interpretation of what has happened is just that - an interpretation. It's a patriarchal version of events. And patriarchy, for all it's brilliance, is tied up with what is visible. And needs 'proof' before alternatives can be considered.
So you are left with this story of loss and fear. But your feminine wisdom has no such lifeless limits and by engaging yours here you can transcend this quandary that arises when one embryo died.
If you feel bad when you think this thought, your feminine wisdom is inviting you to adopt another perspective (Tip 1). And by drawing on the Form step of my Feminine Engagement Method®, you can begin that process now.
With the Form step, your intention is to form a story here that does not require any patriarchal proof. But feels better to you now. Because, through your feelings, your feminine will guide you forward.
So I invite you say the follow statement to yourself a few times - 'It's three of us, but in a different way now.' And just notice how that feels instead of "It's not three of us anymore". Because the phrasing of the first statement opens the door for continued connection, to feelings of togetherness and even growth as a family.
Even if it's in a different way to the one you had hoped for. You might like to breath this in and notice how you feel. If it feels even a sensation better, your feminine wisdom is guiding you to write more of this kind of story here. Take your time. There is no rush. (And see my article on what to say after miscarriage for my personal experience of the power of words at this time).
The second part I'd like to address is your fear of hurting your living baby (with your anxiety and miscarriage grief). Let me explain what is going on here. We have those fears (and fear of our fears) because patriarchy does not have any clue about emotions and feelings and their role in the creative process.
So I invite you to step into your motherhood power now and intend to turn this experience into one of your first lessons with your children (Tip 2) in the following way for example.
Have a chat - in your heart - with your babies and explain that for so long in the world we have been afraid of feelings. We've been afraid of fear and sadness and have hidden them away - or frozen them - because we didn't know how to deal with them.
Because patriarchy doesn't realise that there is enormous feminine wisdom in our emotions, trying to guide us to where we want to go.
But you belong to a community of women, Amata, engaging feminine wisdom in fertility and motherhood. And you are learning now that fear and sadness are not things to be concerned about.
They are feelings - feminine wisdom letting you know that your interpretation of what is happening is at odds with hers. A reminder that you are looking at this in a very narrow - probably patriarchal - way. And an invitation to change that old story in the world.
Finally (Tip 3), you can tell them that all three of you are part of this evolution - bringing this new understanding to the world. Each contributing in your own perfect way.
Because of you three, this audio and article came into existence so that thousands of other mothers and children can discover what to do when one embryo died. Can learn that feelings are our friends, and can engage with them in a way that allows us to pour our creative energy into what we truly want.
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