Due to the dominant beliefs about how age affects fertility, worry around having a miscarriage after 40 lurks in the background for many of us on the fertility journey. In part, that happens because women's own contributions to the age and fertility after 40 statistics have not been factored in.
And in part also because we are reminded so often about a woman's egg reserves running out after 40. Making each egg and pregnancy ever more precious at this point.
So it's not unusual for women over 40 - with no interest or background in biology - to wonder about preventing chromosomal abnormalities for example. In the hope of reducing the risk of miscarriage after 40.
Elsewhere I have explored the meaning of miscarriage and getting pregnant after miscarriage. While this audio and article below is a response to a message I received from a member of our tribe sharing her experience of miscarriage.
Looking back she realised that she went into emotional shock and trundled on the day of the miscarriage with the plans she had set. Here is what she had to say about it:
"I didn't feel like I could make myself more important (than my previous commitments) and I remember saying to a friend, "even though I had a miscarriage, life doesn't stop"."
For me this emotional response makes total sense because in our patriarchal world, we have been trained to deal with life in a mental way. And the world of emotions and feelings has not been given any space.
The experience of miscarriage can trigger lots of emotion and a train of thought (e.g. denying, blaming, questioning) that causes even more emotions to cascade. So in a climate that is not comfortable with emotions, it is a very natural response to place them (consciously or otherwise) into a kind of container. So that you don't have to process them in the moment.
Because for most of us, there has been nowhere to process the emotions of infertility and miscarriage. There has been no time to process them. And in our patriarchal world which doesn't understand the feminine, nor is there any perceived value in that exercise.
I can personally relate to the response "life doesn't stop". Because in many ways it reminds me of my first miscarriage (Loreena).
But I am hearing deeper feminine wisdom in how you share this also. Because my sense (and experience) is that many miscarriages happen because we are being loyal to the patriarchal download 'even though I'm pregnant, life doesn't stop'. Even though I am creating new life I still have to show up in the way that patriarchy wants me to. So I continue to work and produce just as much as before.
So when you say, "even though I had a miscarriage, life doesn't stop," you are merely echoing what patriarchy has taught us. Because there have been generations of women before you who have been told (directly or indirectly) -when it comes to pregnancy and miscarriage - "just get on with it". Because it doesn't really matter.
But it does matter. And you came to that conclusion too as expressed in a later part of your message:
"It may be true that life doesn't stop but I can choose to stop and honour my experience."
This is a great example of what to say after miscarriage - to yourself! Yes, you can choose to stop and honour your experience. I love this awareness. Because as you choose to honour your miscarriage and emotions - rather than respond as we've been programmed to - you are engaging your feminine wisdom.
And showing up with your miscarriage - your baby - in a way you both deserve. In a way that recognises your unique connection and mother-child relationship - even if others cannot yet.
It's never too late either. You can stop - even years later - to reclaim from patriarchy your baby and this event in your life. I invite you to begin that by sharing with us below your experience of miscarriage after 40 and what that has meant for you. Because your feminine voice and your baby matter very much.
Let me coach you - so you can feel comfort and peace instead now.