If you are wondering how to let go of a relationship this is for you. Because you can let go of a relationship with a bitterness and hostility that feels raw even decades later. Or you can let go of a relationship in a manner that feels easy, respectful and really allows you to move on - now. It's a very important skill to have - especially when you know that a relationship is holding you back...
Before we proceed though, if you are still unsure about whether to let go of a relationship, I invite you to read this post exploring 'Is she really my friend?' because it will help you discern if letting go is actually what is called for - in your situation. (There is value in that post even if the nature of the relationship is a romantic one and/or relates to a man in your life).
This audio and article below came about in response to a message from Jenni - one of the beautiful women in our tribe - who noticed changes in a relationship with one of her female friends. She explained that she was no longer happy with how she behaved with Mari or the interaction that seemed to glue them together. The fuel of their connection was problem-focused and even resistant to joy with the result that Jenni was not her confident, friendly self anymore with Mari.
Mari's friendship had been very important for Jenni. Immigrants from the same homeland, they shared that kinship and experience. But on top of that, Mari was one of the few people with whom she was able to be open about her fertility challenges (Mari too had fertility challenges).
Jenni, however, is in a different space now. Having focused on her own personal development over the last few years, she is ready to release struggle and embrace a lovely life. She doubts, though, that their relationship can support this and is even worried about what Mari's reaction will be when Jenni becomes a mom. (Jenni will try IVF soon but Mari is ready to give up trying to have a baby).
Jenni reached out for guidance as to how to advance with Mari because she wasn't sure how to let go of a relationship - that meant so much in the past - in a positive way. The following is an extract from Jenni's message:
"....I want to have the art of handling similar situations and become stronger as a woman and mother.
I want to be able to give good examples to my child/children.“
Before I dive in with the 3 tips, Jenni, it will serve you to understand the background to your question and why you might be struggling with how to let go of a relationship.
The rules we have learned about relationships are ones that were designed to preserve the tribe and maintain the social ladder as it has been. And in order to ensure that the age-old distribution of power continues in our patriarchal, male world, that has translated into keeping women disempowered - often in relationships that totally zap our feminine power.
In addition, because we have been trained to reason things out (a male approach to life) as opposed to feel what is really going on for us, we tend to come up with answers - to our relationship questions - that maintain the status quo. Rather than liberate us into the life we truly want to live. (I bring this up here because being aware of this backdrop can strengthen your resolve to let go of a relationship when it is no longer working for you.)
Once you are clear that you want to let go of a relationship it is really important to become cognisant about what kind of relationship future you are choosing instead. Otherwise, try as you might, you may find yourself being pulled back into the old familiar dynamics. Or taking half-hearted steps to leave so that, apart from amplifying your own discontent, nothing actually changes.
I have spent many unnecessary extra years in relationships that depleted me because I didn't invest time with this important step. So Tip 1, when you want to let go of relationship, is to paint a picture of the kind of relationship you are available for from now on.
In your case, Jenni, I hear a lot of clarity. You want to be confident, in your power, feel supported in happy motherhood and have relationships that are fun, inspiring and bring out the best in you. I am inviting you to hold this vision in your heart now because this will enable you to move on in a lovely, easy way now.
Tip two relates to another part of our patriarchal programming which encourages an on/off switch in terms of how we view relationships. It's either on or off. You either love me or you don't. We're either friends or we're not. And this idea can keep us where we are because the 'off' switch doesn't necessarily feel good either.
However, this on-off experience is not at all how the feminine perceives of relationships. From a feminine perspective relationships don't end. They evolve. Not alone does this feel softer and more manageable, but it offers much more scope as to how a relationship can be expressed. In addition, that softening opens the door to new possibilities that can faciliate a gorgeous unfolding.
So tip 2 is to allow this to be a process. Decide that it is not something you have to fix now and get a result on (a male approach). Rather, remember that this is a journey. True, in certain instances it's super important to leave right now e.g. when you are in danger.
But it will be far more powerful and empowering for you to participate in the process and consciously manage it's evolution in the direction you want it to go. (Tip 3 will help with this). With your clarity from tip 1, you will be able to take constant baby steps towards your dreams - in this evolving relationship.
In our efforts to satisfy patriarchal ideas, there is a kind of pressure to have sufficient evidence - that it is not good for us - before we can let go of a relationship.
In other words, taking a decision to let go of a relationship based on how we feel alone does not please our patriarchal world that is preoccupied with proof. And has little regard for feelings and emotions.
As a result, it is not uncommon for us to linger longer in relationships - until we have accrued enough grim evidence to justify our desires to move on.
Such is the need to have a good patriarchal reason, that sometimes it needs to turn nasty before we call it a day.
Going this far is entirely needless but since we haven't been taught about our Creative Feminine™ and her contribution, it frequently happens. Perhaps you can relate?
But when you are Engaging the Feminine®, you are tuned into your feelings, understand that there is huge wisdom in them and give yourself permission to let go of a relationship - with dignity. Now. Without having to experience the more distressing scenarios that will surely surface if you continue as is.
Your emotions are powerful Jenni. And in order to pave the way for an effortless evolution with Mari, it is important to leverage them now. When you feel good you are far more resourceful and have access to ideas, possibilities and experiences that otherwise you miss. So, (Tip 3) is to become aware again of all the positives that this relationship provided you.
For example, you can remember the first time you were introduced and the deep relief you felt being able to speak without having to wrestle with words. Or how a rendezvous with her helped you to feel more settled in this new land. Recall the joy of sharing a joke or a quiet moment of camaraderie.
And bring to mind just how comforting it was to share honestly your fertility experiences - without judgment - with a companion who could really understand your pain. Pick out the special moments in which Mari has been a gift in your life. Because I know that they exist in your relationship.
The intention here Jenni is to activate the best version of Mari in your awareness and hold that dear in your heart. Truly treasure the good. And intend that this is what you will keep. When you do this you honour her, you honour the gift she has been, you honour your friendship and you begin immediately to realise your intentions for your future relationships.
Because as you reflect on these points, you are no longer problem-focused or struggling with anything. But you are in your power, leading your life, confidently leveraging your emotions and allowing even this relationship to bring out the best in you!
Some day your child will need guidance as to how to let go of a relationship Jenni. And you will be able to share these 3 tips. By then your relationship with Mari will have evolved in a way that makes you feel strong as a woman and a mother and you will chuckle at the wonderful example you are giving. Just like you had intended many moons ago when you wrote to me...
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience on letting relationships go, what has or hasn't worked for you or any other insights you would like to share. Please share below because your feminine voice here really, really matters!
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