IVF Failed? – 3 Tips To Support You Now

ivf failed

​When IVF Doesn't Work Out  

​If IVF failed and you are a woman, the probability is that you have processed that as "I failed". Does that resonate? Because every women should be able to have a baby right? That is what we are designed for - or so we are taught. 

In truth, many of us feel like failures at not being able to conceive naturally and even making the decision to try IVF ​can evoke the sense that you are not making the grade in some way as a woman.

​So when your ​fertility journey​ also includes the experience that IVF failed, it can be a very dark and lonely place. This audio and article below were Inspired by Ivana who contacted me when her most recent IVF failed. What follows is an extract of what she shared:

Ivana's Story

​ ​"Three days ago, we found out that another IVF cycle failed... We believed that we were very well prepared like never before...

I was feeling great, had no contraindications. I was in a very good mood, very happy having the transfer or our two great embryos in my womb...

And according to the test result, there was an implantation and I really felt some pregnancy symptoms for a while Deirdre. 

I felt great with the idea that my babies are growing inside me. I talked to them. I played music. ​And then, shock! Negative pregnancy test!...

I was crying so much Deirdre that the next day, I literally had a feeling of an open wound in the middle of my chest and I knew that this was my soul's pain....Suddenly no perspective, just blackout."

Deirdre, how do we deal with pregnancy after so much history? I fear I don't have the tools to be a confident pregnant woman.

​Ivana, thank you so much for reaching out during this time even though you are feeling so much pain right now. There are few angles on this that I would like to comment on with the intention of serving you now.


​I haven't personally experienced failed IVF but I remember, following my 3rd miscarriage​ (with Julianito), reflecting back on all the loss and failure and being flooded with fertility doubts during which I questioned everything that had happened previously.

I wondered to myself if I'd been totally crazy. Why did I ever hook up with Julian? Why did I leave all that was familiar and come to Spain? (I had moved from my native Ireland). Why did I try to get pregnant then? Why didn't I wait? 

​I discovered that it was really important for me to go back through the events and realise that I made the best decisions I could at the time. The best decision, I mean, in our patriarchal, male world that: ​

  • ​Has persuaded us that finding a man is the primary quest of a woman's life
  • ​​Believes that having a baby is the ultimate contribution a woman can make
  • ​Is convinced that we are running out of time to have a baby 
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    And doesn't understand ​the role of the feminine in fertility (beyond the bio-medical of it).

​Because, had I understood what I do now about the Creative Feminine™, I would have been a lot kinder on myself, taken my time and listened deeply to the whispers of my fertility intuition​ - instead of brushing them aside.

But this exercise of looking back helped me a lot - especially the awareness that because I didn't comprehend my Creative Feminine™ at the time, I had made the very best decisions I could. 

Admitting this helped me to accept more and I stopped asking myself if I was a total waste of space and a failure as a woman. Which brings me to my first tip to help you cope when IVF failed.

​Your Decisions​

​If IVF failed, I recommend to realise first (Tip 1) that you made the very best decisions you could around trying IVF. Because in addition to feeling ​miscarriage grief after an embryo died​, for example, a slew of related concerns can arise like infertility costs​, the mental torture of figuring out 'why am I not getting pregnant?' and fear of being too old to have a baby.

But in your case, Ivana, I will go even deeper with Tip 1 because you have shared quite a bit of your fertility history​ with me. I want to remind you that you really felt good about your decision and that it came from a very aligned place. In other words, you reflected deeply on this and felt guided forward into it (as opposed to rushing into it because of time running out for example).

​You engaged your feminine wisdom beautifully and I invite you to return to that awareness. While it is easy to beat yourself when IVF failed, it is important to remember that your pregnancy, your two embryos and this whole journey in IVF unfolded in a beautiful, feminine space that you created for your children. ​

this audio comes about in response to a message I received from Chloe who was 45 and pregnant.
. I'd like to support you is just to share what I hear in that question. And what is happening. It sounds like it is that you're reviewing your history of many efforts and many attempts and the feeling of failure where you've tried and it hasn't working for tried and it hasn't worked. And this has been repeated over and over in different ways in your fertility journey in your motherhood journey. And so I'd just like to remind you here that this kind of approach or interpretation of our fertility journey is very much a patriarca one in which success is only seen in terms of the outcome, the project the baby. And you were being invited to engage your feminine wisdom here because that's history his story the patriarchal interpretation and is time for her story, your story the feminine version of what has unfolded for you over the last year to show up here now because if you reflect back on all this journey you will see clearly how each of those experiences have helped you to show-up more authentically to discern Who you really want to be in the world and have added to your empowerment to your sense of serve to your sense of integrity to your confidence and to your allowing yourself to be you instead of having to do this in a particular way at a particular time. This journey has made you step up and say you know I want it now even if the circumstances aren't perfect according to the patriarchal download.

​Your Motherhood

​When IVF failed, we are led to believe that the journey is over and it is over from a male perspective that is tuned into the physical and visible. But when engaging your feminine wisdom, you understand that your journey with your babies is not at all over. Different for sure but not over. 

​So (Tip 2) is to allow your journey with your babies to continue now - in a new way. Feel free to carry on the conversation either out loud or in your journal. (This can be very healing). 

But be open to developing the communication because these are your babies Ivana and your relationship with them will unfold and grow - if you are open to that

Over the weeks and months ahead, what they mean to you and represent in your life as a woman will evolve and feminine wisdom will weave it's way in -  to offer you a deeper understanding of what this is all about.

(I share how this happened for me in different ways in these posts 'What to do after miscarriage' and 'What to say after miscarriage').

​Sometimes when we think of loss there is a sense that if we don't remain sad that means we didn't really care. But I am inviting you to be open to the possibility of feeling peace and even joy around this at some stage in the future. ​Because ​it's not over Ivana. You are the mother of these two beautiful babies and your journey can continue even if our patriarchal world cannot get it's​ head around that just yet.

​​The Pain When IVF Failed

The third part I would like to address is the open wound in the middle of your chest. You are right Ivana, it is your soul's pain. But I'm inviting you to ​(Tip 3) consider that it's the pain of your soul at trying to measure up to the expectations and demands of this patriarchal world on you as a woman. ​Might it be at some level, that this opening in your chest is you breaking free from the struggle of trying to find your value in the​ very limited ways that patriarchy has defined for us (i.e. motherhood)? 

You mentioned that it suddenly feels like a blackout. And when I read that, I said "YES!", because the blackout for me is you arriving into your own feminine womb space following this deeply painful and transformational journey. It's dark, it's unfamiliar and difficult to gain perspective (with this anorexic version of what feminine vitality looks like). 

And it's a place now where you were being called to mother yourself Ivana. Take care of yourself so tenderly in your own feminine gestation because that is what is most important for you now - as a woman and a mother. ​

I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience if IVF failed. Please share below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.

And each of those experiences those baby's those attempts have added to you as a woman even if that's not obvious to the medical model or to patriarchy. And so I'd really be inviting you to really connect with your story in a new way and forget the patriarchal history so that you can write your own story and that links to the form stage of my feminine engagement method. But you are really being invited here now to switch that mantra in your head about failure and last in two one hour gain and empowerment and I'd actually be asking you to go through each of those parent classes and of course many of them will have been difficult and painful.
Audio - IVF Failed ​

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