If IVF failed and you are a woman, the probability is that you have processed that as "I failed". Does that resonate? Because every women should be able to have a baby right? That is what we are designed for - or so we are taught.
So when your fertility journey also includes the experience that IVF failed, it can be a very dark and lonely place. This audio and article below were Inspired by Ivana who contacted me when her most recent IVF failed. What follows is an extract of what she shared:
"Three days ago, we found out that another IVF cycle failed... We believed that we were very well prepared like never before...
I was feeling great, had no contraindications. I was in a very good mood, very happy having the transfer or our two great embryos in my womb...
And according to the test result, there was an implantation and I really felt some pregnancy symptoms for a while Deirdre.
I felt great with the idea that my babies are growing inside me. I talked to them. I played music. And then, shock! Negative pregnancy test!...
I was crying so much Deirdre that the next day, I literally had a feeling of an open wound in the middle of my chest and I knew that this was my soul's pain....Suddenly no perspective, just blackout."
Ivana, thank you so much for reaching out during this time even though you are feeling so much pain right now. There are few angles on this that I would like to comment on with the intention of serving you now.
I haven't personally experienced failed IVF but I remember, following my 3rd miscarriage (with Julianito), reflecting back on all the loss and failure and being flooded with fertility doubts during which I questioned everything that had happened previously.
I wondered to myself if I'd been totally crazy. Why did I ever hook up with Julian? Why did I leave all that was familiar and come to Spain? (I had moved from my native Ireland). Why did I try to get pregnant then? Why didn't I wait?
I discovered that it was really important for me to go back through the events and realise that I made the best decisions I could at the time. The best decision, I mean, in our patriarchal, male world that:
Because, had I understood what I do now about the Creative Feminine™, I would have been a lot kinder on myself, taken my time and listened deeply to the whispers of my fertility intuition - instead of brushing them aside.
But this exercise of looking back helped me a lot - especially the awareness that because I didn't comprehend my Creative Feminine™ at the time, I had made the very best decisions I could.
Admitting this helped me to accept more and I stopped asking myself if I was a total waste of space and a failure as a woman. Which brings me to my first tip to help you cope when IVF failed.
If IVF failed, I recommend to realise first (Tip 1) that you made the very best decisions you could around trying IVF. Because in addition to feeling miscarriage grief after an embryo died, for example, a slew of related concerns can arise like infertility costs, the mental torture of figuring out 'why am I not getting pregnant?' and fear of being too old to have a baby.
But in your case, Ivana, I will go even deeper with Tip 1 because you have shared quite a bit of your fertility history with me. I want to remind you that you really felt good about your decision and that it came from a very aligned place. In other words, you reflected deeply on this and felt guided forward into it (as opposed to rushing into it because of time running out for example).
You engaged your feminine wisdom beautifully and I invite you to return to that awareness. While it is easy to beat yourself when IVF failed, it is important to remember that your pregnancy, your two embryos and this whole journey in IVF unfolded in a beautiful, feminine space that you created for your children.
When IVF failed, we are led to believe that the journey is over and it is over from a male perspective that is tuned into the physical and visible. But when engaging your feminine wisdom, you understand that your journey with your babies is not at all over. Different for sure but not over.
So (Tip 2) is to allow your journey with your babies to continue now - in a new way. Feel free to carry on the conversation either out loud or in your journal. (This can be very healing).
But be open to developing the communication because these are your babies Ivana and your relationship with them will unfold and grow - if you are open to that
Over the weeks and months ahead, what they mean to you and represent in your life as a woman will evolve and feminine wisdom will weave it's way in - to offer you a deeper understanding of what this is all about.
Sometimes when we think of loss there is a sense that if we don't remain sad that means we didn't really care. But I am inviting you to be open to the possibility of feeling peace and even joy around this at some stage in the future. Because it's not over Ivana. You are the mother of these two beautiful babies and your journey can continue even if our patriarchal world cannot get it's head around that just yet.
The third part I would like to address is the open wound in the middle of your chest. You are right Ivana, it is your soul's pain. But I'm inviting you to (Tip 3) consider that it's the pain of your soul at trying to measure up to the expectations and demands of this patriarchal world on you as a woman. Might it be at some level, that this opening in your chest is you breaking free from the struggle of trying to find your value in the very limited ways that patriarchy has defined for us (i.e. motherhood)?
You mentioned that it suddenly feels like a blackout. And when I read that, I said "YES!", because the blackout for me is you arriving into your own feminine womb space following this deeply painful and transformational journey. It's dark, it's unfamiliar and difficult to gain perspective (with this anorexic version of what feminine vitality looks like).
And it's a place now where you were being called to mother yourself Ivana. Take care of yourself so tenderly in your own feminine gestation because that is what is most important for you now - as a woman and a mother.
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience if IVF failed. Please share below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.
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