Have you been asking yourself the question "is she really my friend"? If you have, be aware that your feminine wisdom is guiding you to explore this further. It's not as difficult to discern as you might think though. By going through the 3 steps I share below, you will have a clear answer to the question 'is she really my friend?
It was Jenni who inspired this post and audio below with her request for guidance around a certain female relationship in her life. Her story is valuable to know when asking 'is she really my friend' because it highlights important themes to look out for. The background to Jenni's wondering 'is she really my friend?' is as follows.
She had left her home country to be with her partner. Without a network of friends of her own and needing to learn a new language, Jenni felt very vulnerable and isolated. During that time, however, she made a friend from her motherland who had also married a native of their new home. Jenni's relationship with this woman was really important for her. Here's what she has to say about Mari:
"There was always a kind of human warmth, a loyalty, a politeness between us. After all, we came from the same country - even if it wasn't the same cultural or ethnic background.
With no one else here, what I so open to be able to speak about intimate topics like fertility challenges. (Mari was also experiencing fertility challenges.) However, in the last few months and years, I'm slowly realizing that the energy between the two of us is changing in quality somehow."
Jenni went on to share an example of what she meant. She invited Mari to an event of another friend and found that Mari avoided contact with the other people present. Jenni, instead of being her normal chatty self, noticed that she carried herself differently (stooped down) and spent her time running after Mari rather than enjoying the occasion.
In addition, she observed that when Jenni is feeling sad or devastated then Mari becomes animated and alive. But when Jenni is in a good mood, Mari begins to complain or go silent. However, Jenni has one big concern about the relationship that is prompting her to ask 'is she really my friend'. Here it is:
"What I'm mostly worried about is how she will react when myself and my husband have a baby. But even more important, will I have the courage in front of her to stand by myself to be the woman and mother I was born to be?.....
....This friend is dear to me and I wish her all the best from the bottom of my heart. I don't want to lose her. But first of all, I want to have the art of handling similar situations and become stronger as a woman and mother. I want to be able to give good examples to my child/children.“
I really appreciate you reaching out Jenni. But before I dive into the 3 ways of knowing 'is she really my friend', it will serve you well to play around with the actual question first.
What I mean by that is instead of asking yourself 'is she really my friend?' - which is what I am hearing from you in the background - enquire as to 'whether she is a good companion for me now?'.
Our understanding of friendship and female friendship has come from our male world and a masculine understanding of female relationships. (More of this in the audio below). By changing the question, it prevents you from giving power to patriarchy (and what other people might think) and ensures that you are engaging your feminine wisdom in this process.
Because that is where your answer lies. So let's dive into the first way to know 'is she really my friend' (or a good companion for you now).
It might sounds strange, but the most important piece to determine if Mari is a good companion for you now is to be clear first about what your vision is for you. Because it all depends on where you plan on going on this journey of life. Here are a few of the questions I invite you to reflect on in order to tease this out. What is important for you as a woman? Who do you want to be in a world? How do you want to show up as a woman and a mother?
I hear from your sharing, Jenni, that you have clarity around that. For example, your desire is to be authentic, stand in your own power, take the lead in your life, be your confident, exuberant self and show up as the woman and mother that you were born to be.
At a deeper level I am also hearing that you want to feel proud of yourself as a person Jenni, live a life that has meaning, enjoy positive relationships that inspire and fulfill you and settle into bed at night feeling deeply satisfied about how you showed up each day. Does that feel true? Because once you are clear on your vision for you, it is much easier to detect whether your relationship with Mari feeds this vision. Or sabotages it and the woman you want to be come.
The second way to know 'is she really my friend' (a good companion) is to reply to the following: What impact is she having on you now? What happens to your behavior in her company and are you proud of yourself in the way you show up?
An honest response to these will reveal a lot and point to how your feminine wisdom is guiding you now. When Henry Ford made this comment on friendship, whether he knew it or not he was tapping into his feminine wisdom!
You shared that you found your behavior changing with her, Jenni, that instead of being your friendly self, it's like as if you became somebody else. And you were not proud at all of how you acted at that event.
In other words, you are not happy with the impact this relationship is having on you any more because you don't like how you behave in it. That is very important information which suggests that Mari is not the company that can support you in the next stages of your journey.
The 3rd way for you to know 'is she really my friend' (good companion) is by considering the following question. Is it safe for you to achieve and to succeed in the ways that are most important for you? Does this relationship encourage you to be an even better version of yourself? Will it genuinely celebrate your successes?
You actually shared, Jenni, that what you are most worried about is how she will react when you have a baby. Even though this has been one of your major goals in the last few years. So what I'm hearing from you here is that it's not safe for you to be your authentic, successful self.
To summarise then, in terms of who you want to be and where you want to go - which is what really matters here - this relationship currently is not working for you. You simply are not in your feminine power with her. And you have lots of evidence that Mari is not the company that can help you on the next part of your journey. ( I recommend you listen to the audio also as I have explained more pieces of this that will help).
I'm hearing a lot of feminine wisdom guiding you here Jenni. As you can see, this is not at all about Mari or any judgement of her. Nor is it saying that she cannot be part of your future. It's just honoring that where you are now and where you are going requires different companions.
Contrary to what we have been taught in patriarchy (our male world), even if Mari has been a huge part on your life and was really important when you moved here first, it's okay for this relationship to change now. It really is.
And I'm inviting you to become comfortable with that idea and give yourself permission to be who you truly want to be and have what you really want. This is your life Jenni and everything in it (including your fertility and motherhood) will be affected by this decision.
I have also created a post with 3 tips to let of a relationship which I invite you to digest also as the information I share there will deepen further your feminine understanding around this!
I hope that was value in this for you and I would love to hear your experience when it comes to deciding is she really my friend or not. Please share with us below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.
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