Should I Let The Dream Go?
Is it time to let the dream go? In this post, I share 3 tips to help you decide whether or not you should give up on your dream. It was written in response to a question I received about having a baby at 48, but the tips I share are important if you are trying to make a decision about anything that is truly meaningful for you.
What follows is the query that inspired the video and article below. (The text explores different angles to the video so I invite you to enjoy them both).
"Should I even continue to hope, Deirdre, on having a baby at 48 years or just be at peace with letting the dream go?"
There are a few ways that I'd like to respond to this lovely question. Let's explore the word 'should' in more detail because it offers valuable insight into your journey of having a baby at 48 and beyond.
There are 3 important aspects to understand so you can make the best decision here. The first is that, with this 'should I?' enquiry, there is a sense of seeking an answer outside of yourself.
It makes sense that you would do this since that behaviour has been embedded in most of our educational experiences - globally. We have learned that our answers are external to self in a book, parent, teacher or other expert.
But it is worth remembering that - rather than intending to educate us into our full creative empowerment - our patriarchal school systems have a vested interest in maintaining the age-old, male power structures and norms in place. This is achieved easily by encouraging an outward-looking habit to patriarchal approved sources and patriarchal approved answers.
So tip 1, is to understand that while patriarchal answers may well be located elsewhere, your answers for you will be found within yourself. Especially when it comes to having a baby at 48 plus!
Another piece to be aware of when asking if you should let the dream go is that this musing tends to imply that the process is a mental one. In other words, your energy is in your head (or somebody else's) trying to figure out what the right answer is.
Nothing wrong with that. It's how we have been trained. Be aware though, that the mind - with all it's wonderful reasoning and logic - is the preferred place of the masculine. It's the comfort zone of our patriarchal, male world - sitting safely above any feminine emotions.
The assumption that the best decisions are located in your cranium is flawed however. And it is informed by a male understanding of the creative process that doesn't get how the Creative Feminine™ shows up or makes her necessary contribution.
What To Do...
So when it comes to having a baby at 48 or realising any dream that might fall beyond the bounds of what others perceive as appropriate or normal, you need to be engaging your feminine wisdom in it. Because the standard masculine approach we have been taught will not work without her.
Tip 2, then, is to move your attention from the MENtal place into your feeling space. Your feminine wisdom is located in your body and emotions and she needs to be consulted if you are wondering about having a baby at 48. Or thinking about throwing in the towel on any dream that you have held dear in your heart.
In other words, be mindful of your feelings! If you're at a point where things are shifting in your life and you are actually reflecting on a joyful life without a baby, that's one thing. If that feels good, your feminine wisdom is guiding you to entertain this more. But if there is a feeling of being forced to accept loss and failure - that is quite another and you are being called in a different direction entirely.
Engaging In Your Journey
But because of what we have been taught - when we don't get the results we desire, instead of exploring our creative process and making adjustments there, we wonder if we should give up. And often do. Not realising that we haven't tried everything to get pregnant or to achieve our goals. We just think we have.
You will be able to discern, by tuning into your feelings, whether a chapter in your story has come to it's own natural, perfect conclusion. (You will feel a peace around this). Or if you are actually being guided to learn more about your Creative Feminine™, for example, and leverage your full feminine power here. One option will feel much more inviting now.
If you allow this to be a journey (as opposed to demanding the 'right' answer now - as we are wont to do in patriarchy), and keep on returning to your true feelings, you will access your clarity as to what your next step is. In other words, you will discover beyond a shadow of a doubt what the deeper part of you really wants to experience. Now.
But perhaps the most significant piece of your dance with 'should I?' is that, as women, we have been conditioned into seeking approval from others. It's like we need permission to want what we want. In addition, we have come to understand our fertility in patriarchy - from a male perspective - and duly adhere to fertility controls and a life that is approved by the powers that be.
When it comes to our creativity and fertility we have learned that it 'should' be expressed in a particular way, at a certain time with a prescribed person and in suitable circumstances. So familiar are we with following these 'rules' that we very quickly doubt if it is okay to desire something different.
Certainly this is an issue that comes up when having a baby at 48. But it hides in every possibility that dares to believe that we can be something more than patriarchy believes we can or should be. So tip 3 is to set your compass on self-approval and decide to approve of yourself no matter what. Harbouring this attitude, whether you decide to remain focused on your goal or choose to let it go, you will feel a sense of expansion, freedom and peace!
What About Hope?
Your question brings up the issue of hope when having a baby after 40 (or aiming for anything beyond what others might not perceive as normal for us). And your feminine wisdom is guiding you to learn more about this.
I have explored hope in more detail in a post on false hope in fertility after 50 and invite you to read this. In addition to my own journey with hope which I share in this post 'What to say after miscarriage'
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your opinion on having a baby at 48 or letting the dream go on any goal that is important to you. Please comment below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters.