Have A Baby Or Get A Job?

have a baby or get a job

Have A Baby Or Get A Job?   

​Are you torn about whether to have a baby or get a job? Because it's an important consideration for many women before and after baby arrives. But what can you do if you feel you are running out of time to have a baby and want to be financially independent?

​This post is a response to a message I received from Teelah who left her home country to be with her husband. In spite of his support, she felt inferior because of the language barrier, loneliness and being unemployed. Here is what she shared:

"I must be honest and admit that all these years I feel kind of crucified between the wish to have a baby and for me to find a job."

Have A Baby Or Get A Job - 
Patriarchal Productivity Line

Thank you for your honesty Teelah. It is good to acknowledge this tug-of-war that has been taking place inside you around this. ​And it is so understandable too. Because although your situation might satisfy the obvious criteria for living happily ever after - there is more going on here than meets the eye. ​​

​It is important to understand first why this experience has been crucifying for you. Because you have, in a way, been nailed to the patriarchal cross. Why?  

​In our patriarchal world, you must perform. You must produce. And for women that means - ​ideally - in both the work​place and with ​offspring. ​So when you've unsuccessfully tried everything to get pregnantand you ​don't have a job - something is very wrong indeed (from a patriarchal perspective). ​

A punishable offence (at least socially) in times gone by. For which feelings of inferiority have been perceived as appropriate responses.

Have A Baby Or Get A Job - 
Feminine Wisdom

​​​But what happens when you look at this with the eyes of feminine wisdom? With regard to the "all these years" part of you share, I invite you to watch this video post I published called 'Trying to Conceive For Years'. As that will help ​with the 'time' factor.

​In relation to the rest, I invite you to cast your mind back to when you first arrived in your new home. Before establishing yourself ​you began trying to have a baby. If I understand correctly, without even the basic tools to communicate (new language), friends or a network of kindred spirit - you pour your energy into producing.

​I can totally relate to this as I did the very same myself when I came to Spain. And it didn't work for me either!

​But let's be very clear here. Contrary to what patriarchy would have us believe - it is not infertility when you cannot get pregnant under these circumstances.

Rather, it is your fertility and feminine wisdom​ refusing bluntly to kowtow to these insane demands to reproduce when you haven't ​yet found your feminine feet. And when your environment lacks some basic essentials that your feminine needs in order for you to thrive as a mother. ​

​When we truly 'get' that, many of our current fertility doubts in these situations will be a thing of the past. ​But where do you go from here Teelah?

Have A Baby Or Get A Job - 
Your Feminine Wisdom

​Instead of being pulled in two directions - which can indeed be crucifying - I am asking you to focus on ​what feels most fundamental for you now. Not for Teelah the partner, the immigrant, the graduate etc.

What would really make the difference to you as a woman? Independent of motherhood. Because you are a woman first and foremost. ​

My sense, Teelah, is that feeling grounded and in your power is high on that list. But I am also conscious of a yearning to contribute in a way that is meaningful for you. Does that resonate?

Have A Baby Or Get A Job - 
Engaging Your Feminine Wisdom

​Even if your circumstances have changed since your share, I am inviting you to go back to your feminine drawing board. Because something deeper than the job/baby tug-of-war wants to emerge here.

And it's about becoming clear about the kind of woman you want to be in the world. With or without children. So ponder the following Teelah:

  • ​How would you love to feel at the end of the week about your work life? For example, would you love to feel deeply satisfied, valued and excited about what is ahead?
  • What kinds of experiences would you love to fill your work day/week. Might they include laughter, positive surprises, growing in new ways and discovering gifts you never realised you had?
  • ​And how would you love your work relationships to be? Does the mutually supportive, collaborative, fun type appeal to you?

Have A Baby Or Get A Job - 
​Your Feminine Foot Forward!

​And then go through these questions as they apply to your experience of motherhood. Because it doesn't necessarily have to be either have a baby or get a job. But if you believe that to be the case, then it is very difficult to notice any other possibilities.

Your priority though is to become crystal clear about the feeling piece so your feminine can begin to lead the way again. And this patriarchal tug-of-war can end.

The point here is for you to be able to see more vividly where you are going. Even if you don't know how to get there yet. As you do this you begin to reclaim your creative feminine power and steer again the ship of your own life. ​As the woman and mother you were born to be!

Audio: Have A Baby Or Get A Job?

More Resources For You

-  Body Letting Your Down When ​TTC After 40?
- Miscarriage After 40
- My Advice To Meghan Markle Trying For A Baby
​- Research On The Female Voice And Fertility