Is your fertility energy being drained? It's worth sitting with this question because it will reveal important information for you.
When I reflect on my fertility history during the period when we started trying to have a baby, it is clear that a significant portion of my fertility energy was being funneled into creating a protection around me - rather than actually having a baby.
Emotional protection I mean. Because I just did not feel that I was in a safe space emotionally (I will shed some light on this below).
However, the impetus for this particular post came from a comment Luciana made on 'Using up the energy you need to have a baby'. And in this audio and article below we will uncover the huge drain on female fertility energy - that is almost always overlooked.
What follows is Luciana's very honest share...
"I feel like my nurturing and mothering energy goes to my husband in the sense that I need to provide a clean house, food, rest –
I usually wake up earlier than him to be able to do it all, before getting to work…..
I have been having pretty full and exhausting routine for a while now".
When I read this comment, I felt it important to dedicate an entire post to the topic. Because this is a trap that so many women fall into.
For our patriarchal, male world has trained us to believe that the feminine in the partnership is responsible for all things domestic.
Although not the ideas I grew up with, this was certainly my experience with Julian. Upon my arrival in Spain to start our lives together, I was handed a green gingham apron by his mother. (Her love language is gifts so somewhere in that was an expression of love).
But also - from her perspective - my primary role was to take care of him. And every single day she phoned to discover on what exactly he had feasted. Or, to be more accurate, to inquire as to whether what I had prepared had sufficiently satisfied her son. Because, as the woman in the relationship, that was my job and duty.
Even though my upbringing was very different and we were all expected to pull our domestic weight, I found myself feeling responsible. Some of that can be explained by the fact that I wasn't working (I just moved and didn't speak Spanish). But it was more than that. What was it?
The colossal claw of patriarchy - that had been crouching, close by in the corner for much of my life - was king in my new abode. And, upon eyeing me up and down and determining that my breasts were too small, it grabbed me roughly by the wrist and bawled in my ear....
Letting me know that even if I had an "education" and a more equitable experience of life until then, my place was still in the home and my value contingent on my performance in that domain.
And when I didn't make the mark (like a good Spanish woman), I could feel my fertility energy being drained into cushioning myself somehow from these attitudes and assumptions about my worth that felt so very aggressive to me then.
Julian's mother grew up in a time and culture in which women didn't work outside of the home. So this division of labour made sense. But, as your experience illustrates Luciana, even though many women work outside of the home now, for a multitude, that domestic reality has not changed very much.
So our Creative Feminine™ energy is now being poured into far more places than in times gone-by. And this is the backdrop against which many women are experiencing - what appear to be - fertility challenges. When really it's because our fertility energy is being guzzled greedily by a system that prevents us from renewing ourselves.
As the woman it is your role to take care of him. And to ensure that happens, policing of this 'law' comes in one form or another. Julian's mom was straight up - with no fluff whatsoever and now I am grateful for that. But she was just revealing what it is and has been like for women all over the world to some degree or another.
But when your fertility energy is being drained in this way (responsibilities and expectations), it's part of the answer to the question 'why am I not getting pregnant'. And it makes perfect sense. Because the reality is that getting pregnant - in your current circumstances - would be too much to deal with and incompatible with the experience of motherhood for which you yearn.
So how can you begin to shift that? The first step is to have an awareness that this dynamic is happening in your relationship.
And to understand that women have been trained to feel responsible for the man. Not only for his physical well-being but also for his emotions.
In partnership, we want to help each other thrive for sure but the fallout of this download is that, very often, we actually prevent men from taking responsibility for themselves.
Indeed, in our efforts to care, we impede our growth and theirs - because we feel responsible. When we are not.
So how can you begin engaging your feminine wisdom here? One way is to apply the Form step of my Feminine Engagement Method®. In this step our intention is to become very clear of what you really want as a woman. (Not what you think we should do or be).
So if you would love to feel supported, healthy, rested and nourished in motherhood then you are being invited to Form this picture and story in your head. Fill in the details. Imagine that each time you enter your home, you smile in appreciation for the help you are receiving to maintain it in an order that feels really good.
Instead of using morning times to catch up on housework, perhaps they become your special feminine time of reflection or stretching. And would you love to have income coming from sources other than a job? Take the time get in touch again with what you really desire for yourself - even if it feels like fantasy land right now.
And how can you evolve beyond this patriarchal pattern so you do have the energy for fertility?
An important consideration would be to share with your husband what is really coming up for you. In other words, tell him how you feel now.
Let him know that you cannot sustain these roles, that you are exhausted now and that you do not have any fertility energy left for a baby - if this is the way it is going to be.
Explain what you need so that having a baby feels like something you can open up to in earnest.
At the moment Luciana, your feminine wisdom is communicating clearly that the foundations for your family are not in place yet and there are things that need to be sorted out so that your Creative Feminine™ can show up fully...
This is not infertility by the way. This is your feminine wisdom trying to steer you where you really want to go which is joy in motherhood I suspect. As opposed to complete and utter overwhelm.
Part of the shift Luciana, will be a letting-go of the expectations that you have of yourself as a woman and a partner. In truth, it is not actually your husband who is draining your fertility energy.
Rather, it's those mammoth efforts to maintain patriarchal expectations, in your relationship with him, that are exhausting you. And you are not alone in this. It is a mesh from which many of us are wrestling.
You don't have to know all the answers now, but there is wisdom in your exhaustion. And everything you are feeling.
But by taking the time to Form the picture of what you want your life to be like now and as a mother, you begin to direct your Creative Feminine™ again. You lay the path for you to be able to show up as the woman and mother you were born to be. And you free your husband to grow in ways that will serve him beautifully as a dad too.