The donor egg journey can challenge the best of relationships. Understanding donor options and how egg donation works sheds some light on the process that a woman or couple goes through.
But this doesn't factor in the long road prior to that. Or how she/they come to answering the question 'should I give up or try with donor eggs?'.
This audio and article below came about in response to a message I received from one of the beautiful women in our tribe. Here's what she has to say:
"My relationship is over...We started happy wanting a baby, but two and a half years later, he said, "Enough." No baby is fine for him, too... He didn't like the idea of donor eggs and said he would only do it for me....
After more talks with doctors, the latest thing he told me was that he wants to sign a paper that he would only be the donor... We went from love to this. The pain is inconceivable."
Thank you for your very honest share. The aspect of this that relates to a partner not being on board, I have explored in a previous post called 'Donor Eggs At 49'. The way, I sense, that I can serve you most in this audio and article is to hone in on the part that goes "we went from love to this."
What comes up for me here is that our collective understanding - of what is 'correct' in love - is very much a patriarchal one. As women, we have been downloaded with the idea that our most important relationship (ideally with a man of course), is with one person forever.
Over and over again, our childhood stories inform us that when we reach the patriarchal prize of 'getting the man' we all live happily ever after! And while those ideas have served us, there is a collective yearning now to open up to an understanding of love that is much less rigid and miles more authentic.
I can understand that the pain is inconceivable. Because apart from the actual break-up, in patriarchy a woman has had more perceived value when in relationship. So it is very, very painful indeed.
But what I'm also hearing here is the whisper of your feminine wisdom inviting you to stand back a little bit from what is inconceivable in patriarchy. And be open to a more feminine perspective:
While at the moment you may be focused mostly on the fact that this man no longer wants to be in relationship, I invite you to allow that not to take the centre stage. Remove it from the centre of this patriarchal picture. And instead, focus your feminine attention on the part in which he is saying, "I will be the donor".
Allow yourself to see the expression of love in that. Because there is love there and it sounds like this man has considered it deeply. So, instead of concluding 'once there was love between us', how about an interpretation that is free of the linear, patriarchal ideas of what the 'prize' is. And appreciates deeply the journey, process and the unfolding itself.
One like the following: "Love was expressed in that particular way between us. And now love is being expressed in a this way between us." It's no longer the end, then, of the patriarchal line but morphs instead into a spiral that continues...
From the patriarchal perspective, it may look as though there is no love there. But when you are Engaging the Feminine®, you can see clearly that there still is huge love there. A love that is awake and genuine.
While we've been conditioned into allowing love into our lives in a limited fashion, your feminine wisdom is inviting you to open up to receiving much more now. And seeing clearly now how love really is evolving in your relationship.
It diverges from the direction that the patriarchal planners had for you. But you can proceed with dignity on your donor egg journey - as a woman who is very loved. Because you are. And let this be the story that embraces your embryo now and through adulthood!