Is It Really True For You?
Have you been asking yourself "do I really want a baby?". Is that really my wish? If so, this is a very, very good thing....
Because even if you have tried everything to get pregnant or been trying to conceive for years, you are not the same woman who started this journey. Or the girl who thought, perhaps, that having a baby was the pinnacle of a woman's life. You have precious experience, insight and understanding now that you did not possess previously. But it's important.
What follows in the audio and article below will help you to arrive at your real answer to "do I really want a baby?". It was inspired by Oleth, who, after several attempts has decided to try IVF once more.
Although supporting herself in many ways - including massage, acupuncture, reiki and meditation - Oleth is still nursing an ambivalence that is worrying her. Here is an extract from her share:
"Nevertheless my mood is changeable...
There are moments - like being with couples who have children – of feeling inferior that it didn´t work so far for us. And moments feeling free and trying to recognize a positive side of not having a child.
There are also moments when I simply start doubting if I really want to become a mother, is that my authentic wish, am I ready to change my lifestyle after such a long time, can I have a healthy baby at 42 and what will be with my health condition be after all that?"
Thank you so much for reaching out, Oleth, because I see so much feminine wisdom percolating in your share. But before I share the 3 tips, it is important to comprehend the context in which your concern - about the query "do I really want a baby?" - arises.
Our patriarchal, male world has taught us a linear approach to problem solving and achieving our goals. You set your goal and then follow steps A, B and C to reach that. It's straight-forward, logical and promotes a full-steam-ahead mentality.
While this modus operandi is very useful and really important, it is a masculine approach to goal achievement. However, because it can produce excellent results, (and we have come to understand fertility in patriarchy - from a male vantage point), it has been applied then to female fertility.
But this linear approach is not an appropriate one for your Creative Feminine™ who operates in a different way entirely. And when we approach female fertility from a masculine perspective (which shapes the medical model for example), we simply cannot show up in our full feminine power. Or anything close to that.
But we have been taught that this is what reasonable, intelligent people do so we stay on that linear track. And don't give ourselves time to process, reflect and discern what is really right for us along the fertility journey or in parenthood.
(Then we come to believe that we are infertile because that linear strategy does not work for us. Or we receive a diagnosis of unexplained infertility which isn't a diagnosis at all. But it keeps us believing that infertility is a medical issue and so the patriarchal wheels continue rotating.)
So when fertility doubts or - more specifically - motherhood doubts barge in, we often hold them privately. Because our male world is not comfortable with these changing-your-mind antics (as they seem to jeopardise the goal). And it becomes very frustrated when we (women especially) veer in - what seems to be - a different direction.
To the point that many of us conceal our true confusion and real emotions of infertility for fear of being labelled 'unbalanced' or 'crazy' (a patriarchal favourite designed to keep us on track). And we never get to answer, for ourselves, "do I really want a baby?"
Do I Really Want A Baby?
But as you contemplate anew "do I really want a baby?", your feminine wisdom is at work Oleth. And with insight into how the feminine shows up in the creative process (and baby making), you can be clear that your questioning definitely is not fertility snafus.
So my 1st Tip when pondering "do I really want a baby?" is to trust this questioning, confusion and doubt ... deeply. Because in that way you can access the feminine wisdom within it and set yourself up for success. Set aside all thoughts around what you have invested in infertility costs or all the fertility stress you have dealt with to date, because considering this as the woman you are today is what is called for.
Having second thoughts about having a baby doesn't translate necessarily into your feminine wisdom guiding you away from getting pregnant. What it means is that you can be confident that the process of this exploration is important for you - as a woman now and a mother now.
Engaging Your Feminine
Tip 2, Oleth, is to take the time to sit with all of the following questions with the intention of tuning into what feels authentic for you now. (I invite you to listen to the audio below as hearing them may be more powerful for you and I explore other points there).
Could I allow myself to be okay with changing moods and doubts?
Am I ready to change my lifestyle? Does it feel okay for me?
Is it true that I want to be a mother?
Would I really love this to work out? Even though there are so many variables I cannot control, does it feel authentic for me to take the next step?
If my baby has health issues, could I still allow myself to have a very meaningful, happy life? Could it still be a beautiful experience for me?
Can I open up to becoming even healthier in motherhood?
What do I need so that I can feel freedom and growth during motherhood?
Perhaps you need to know that, on a regular basis, you get to go trekking on your own in the countryside. Because this is very different to going for a walk with your baby.
Do you need to be attending courses (alone) that nourish your soul and have nothing to do with motherhood? Maybe you would love to have a coach (this was uber essential for me) - somebody with whom you can process what is really coming up. So you don't have to pretend (as we have been conditioned into) and can actually find the wisdom within it.
Or is it possible that, like Doerte (see Coping With Infertility), there are other ways you would love to express yourself as a woman?
What Is Authentic For You?
The bottom line, Oleth, is that the patriarchal default is not designed in a way that allows women to thrive. So we end up asking "do I really want a baby" because what lies ahead - within the patriarchal model - has many elements (like feeling overwhelmed) that are not at all inviting.
Your feminine wisdom is aware of what you truly seek and require and she is calling you to ask "do I really want a baby" so that you can create your own feminine track and enjoy a lovely life.
So I'm inviting you to paint the picture, Oleth, of the kind of motherhood that would allow you to step forward saying "Yes. I really want this happen." Because becoming clear about this will be so valuable. After this exercise, notice how you feel. Are you still inspired forward?
Do I Really Want A Baby? - Tip 3
Tip 3 is to share with the the significant others in your life what is it that you need to thrive. So that you can be on the same page and there is no fear of you getting lost in motherhood (which is seen as virtuous somehow in patriarchy). Because, apart from keeping the patriarchal powers in place this serves nobody at all.
The process of sharing your insights will be very clarifying for you. It will be great for your relationship (because your loved ones cannot know if you do not tell them). And it will help you to start pointing in a direction that facilitates you in establishing the rhythm and the team of support - so you can thrive.
Your questioning is powerful, Oleth, and necessary to help you to co-create what you truly want. Because it's not just about being a mother. This is about you showing up as the woman and mother you were born to be!
I hope there was value in this for you and would love to hear your experience on the topic of "do I really want a baby?". What has helped you in this regard? Please comment below because your feminine contribution here really, really matters!
Do I Really Want A Baby? - Audio
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