Coming To Terms With Infertility

coming to terms with infertility

​​Coming To Terms With Infertility  

​What about the process of coming to terms with infertility? Contrary to what you might have thought, coming to terms with infertility does not mean giving up your dreams. As I discovered.

​I have addressed more specific aspects of the journey of coming to terms with infertility in posts dealing with questions like "should I give up or try with donor eggs​" and when is the very best time to consider adoption.

This audio and article below, however, come about a response to a comment Annie made on an article in which I shared documented evidence of ovulation at 57. Here's what she had to say (and I will respond to her as if I am speaking to her here):

this audio comes about in response to a message I received from Chloe who was 45 and pregnant.

"Hi Deirdre, ​this week I went down the road of coming to terms that I will not be able to have a baby.

I was done and about to throw in the towel and then the above post showed up which you happily sent."

Deirdre, how do we deal with pregnancy after so much history? I fear I don't have the tools to be a confident pregnant woman.

​Coming To Terms With Infertility -
In Patriarchy

​Your share Annie, reminded me of the patriarchal terms and conditions which, metaphoricially speaking, female fertility was forced to sign many generations ago. Although unwritten, one of the terms and conditions of our male dominated world, is that women are born for motherhood and cannot be truly fulfilled otherwise.

With the result that we have countless women - all over the world - trying to have a baby when that is not​ in alignment with their deepest desires. And millions more feeling heartbroken when their period comes because they are indeed aching for a baby.

But the feminine wisdom I hear in your comment, Annie, is that, consciously or otherwise, you are changing those patriarchal terms and conditions. By saying to yourself " I'm no longer visiting heartbreak every month." Allow me to explain....

. I'd like to support you is just to share what I hear in that question. And what is happening. It sounds like it is that you're reviewing your history of many efforts and many attempts and the feeling of failure where you've tried and it hasn't working for tried and it hasn't worked. And this has been repeated over and over in different ways in your fertility journey in your motherhood journey. And so I'd just like to remind you here that this kind of approach or interpretation of our fertility journey is very much a patriarca one in which success is only seen in terms of the outcome, the project the baby. And you were being invited to engage your feminine wisdom here because that's history his story the patriarchal interpretation and is time for her story, your story the feminine version of what has unfolded for you over the last year to show up here now because if you reflect back on all this journey you will see clearly how each of those experiences have helped you to show-up more authentically to discern Who you really want to be in the world and have added to your empowerment to your sense of serve to your sense of integrity to your confidence and to your allowing yourself to be you instead of having to do this in a particular way at a particular time. This journey has made you step up and say you know I want it now even if the circumstances aren't perfect according to the patriarchal download.

​​​​My Experience

​What you share is powerful Annie and it's something I went through myself following my third miscarriage ( with Julianito 🙂 ).

As strange as this might sound in patriarchy, the step of coming to terms with infertility came to be a very important part of my own journey as a woman and a mother. Because after Julianito, I said to myself (it was more like an internal scream in reality):

​​I AM NOT playing this anymore

I DO NOT believe that this is the way it has to be.

Deirdre, how do we deal with pregnancy after so much history? I fear I don't have the tools to be a confident pregnant woman.

​​But the part of coming to terms with infertility that was most important for me, I believe, is the following:

I allowed myself to experience a future in my mind - without children - in which I was really happy. One in which I was thriving and fulfiled. Regardless! And that was BIG!

Feminine Wisdom

Although it took huge pain to get to that point, I can see now that my feminine wisdom wanted me to feel that truth. First. She wanted me to break free of the patriarchal jail I had entered. The one in which I had begun to perceive myself as somebody with value as a woman and a partner - if I had children.  

​(I would like to clarify that this is not how I started out on my fertility journey. But over time, these feelings eased themselves into my awareness and somehow I began to believe them. I came to completely doubt myself as a woman and honestly felt that I was letting Julian, my partner, down by not having a baby.)

I understand now that I had been blissfully unaware of these patriarchal ideas prior to wanting a baby - as they didn't affect me directly. So it came as quite a shock to observe just how quickly and confidently they claimed a right to my sense of self. But women have been led to believe that our function is to have children and that we cannot enjoy a fulfilling life without children​.

​So this notion very often takes the podium when trying to get pregnant doesn't work. However, I'm hearing you connecting also with your feminine wisdom here Annie, as you entertain other possibilities that feel peaceful for you. Independent of motherhood and the very limited version of woman that is cherished in patriarchy.

The Process

​But let's explore further the process of coming to terms with infertility because ​is can help you here. (By the way, the word 'infertility' does not fit for me because, in my opinion, it stems from a fundamentally flawed male understanding of the Creative Feminine™. This article is more about coming to terms with your fertility journey - because that, in my view, empowers you as a woman. I use the term infertility so that my tribe can easily find this article).

So back to the process of coming to terms with infertility....

​When you come to a place of peace around something you have been desiring desperately, that is a sign that you are claiming your feminine power back. Instead of pouring your Creative Feminine™ into what you don't want - like fertility stress - that energy can be poured then into what you do want. Like living a life that is deeply meaningful to you.  

Feeling a sense of peace sounds small. But it is a big thumbs up from your deep feminine wisdom. A beautiful, feminine shift is taking place for you that involves allowing how you feel - as opposed to what you have or look like - to guide the way. And your feminine wisdom loves that....

​Feminine Terms & Conditions!

You might like to introduce some feminine terms and conditions into your journey now aswell Annie. If so, I would like to suggest that you play around with this following statement:​

​Unless MY feminine wisdom has something EVEN BETTER in store, I will have a baby!

​With this thought, you are pointing in the direction of joy as a woman but without a clinging to the baby part. ​Not giving up on your dreams, you are open and headed for happiness in any event.

Instead of being locked in the patriarchal jail, this captures a sense of trust in the wisdom of your body and a curiosity about your unfolding. ​Although patriarchy doesn't get it yet, when you are in a 'curious' mode you are really connected to your Creative Feminine™. And you walk your beautiful, unique path in a way that gives you great joy, true fulfilment and deep satisfaction. As a woman and a mother. Enjoy!

And each of those experiences those baby's those attempts have added to you as a woman even if that's not obvious to the medical model or to patriarchy. And so I'd really be inviting you to really connect with your story in a new way and forget the patriarchal history so that you can write your own story and that links to the form stage of my feminine engagement method. But you are really being invited here now to switch that mantra in your head about failure and last in two one hour gain and empowerment and I'd actually be asking you to go through each of those parent classes and of course many of them will have been difficult and painful.
​Coming To Terms With Infertility - Audio

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