When you are alone and want a baby after 40, getting pregnant goes way beyond the biological bits. Because the implications for a woman are so much broader. Until recently - with patriarchy cock sure of itself - having a baby as a single woman was a punishable offence.
Because a husband was necessary to make that legitimate. Sentences were issued willy-nilly - the most lenient of which was social judgement and exclusion. Lost opportunities in education and the work space were par for the course too.
This continues in many places and even now, the whole debate about whether you should have a baby alone still means 'without a man'. (I have explored this in posts such as 'I want a baby but I'm single and 48').
There are also other scenarios in which women feel alone and want a baby. For example, when the issue is 'I want my partner to want a baby too'.
Or, as I discovered, you can find yourself alone even with a loving partner who wants fatherhood (see I don't want to have a baby on my own). This audio and article below, however, were inspired by a message I received from Deborah. Here is an extract of what she had to share:
"Deirdre, I am alone and I speak to no one openly about fertility but you.
My father is pressuring me to get promoted and he is a source of stress.
My brother is someone who doesn't like the whole decision of me having a baby since I have no proper relationship.
Thank you so much Deborah for your share. With the intention of serving you, I will hone in on a few different pieces where your feminine wisdom is wanting to burst through!
What I am hearing is a lot of pressure on you to live your life according to masculine preferences. The people you mention in your story are male and part of your family and this is important to note.
Because one of the measure of success in our patriarchal world, is that the family 'looks' good. So your dad steers you into climbing the corporate ladder, for example. And your brother lets you know that having a baby without a man is not acceptable. Your own desires and vision for your life are irrelevant and how you feel isn't taken into consideration.
This, Deborah, is exactly how patriarchy has continued for so long and it has ensured that women remain disconnected from our creative feminine power. So, tip 1 is to be aware of this dynamic as that in itself begins to loosen the grip it has had around your fertility.
Creating a new family, especially if you are alone and want a baby, calls us to make changes in our family of origin. In some instances, although never mentioned in the books, it is a core piece of the motherhood journey.
But it's not easy because we have been 'playing' roles (e.g. daughter, sister, niece, cousin etc.) for years and can meet a lot of resistance when we try to remove that costume and morph into a different character. I can totally relate because it's something that I have struggled with also.
My fertility journey and miscarriages forced me to rewrite my script though because they revealed to me how some of these relationships were depleting my energy and adding fertility stress instead. But much more than that, it became obvious that by continuing as I was with my family of origin, I could not be the kind of mother I truly desire to be.
It's not personal and they may be very 'good' people.
What matters here is whether they really support your desires and growth or want you to remain the 'same' and available to them in the way you always have been.
Take note how you feel mostly when you are with them or thinking about them. Feeling stressed, inadequate, undermined or used are indicators that these relationships need to change for you.
My sense, Deborah, is that your feminine wisdom is guiding you to expand what you think is possible, appropriate or loving here. Especially in how you show up in your family and the degree to which they influence your life.
So Tip 2 is to decide on what boundaries and kind of relationships you need to have with them so you can show up in your full creative, feminine power. Which you need for your motherhood now. Write down how often you want to see these people (if at all) and in what circumstances. How do you want to feel when with them?
It's not about coming up with a solution that would be tolerable or one you could manage. I am asking you to look honestly at your relationships and design them (in your heart and mind firstly) so that they do support your creative feminine. And nourish you as a woman. This is so important for you.
You mentioned a few times that you are alone and want a baby. It's something you are feeling deeply and this is the third part I would like to address. While aloneness does not necessarily mean lonely, it can be.
(Tip 3) Your feminine wisdom is really wanting you to FORM a new story around that Deborah (step 1 of my Feminine Engagement Method®). How?
Well, even if - from a patriarchal perspective - you are alone, your feminine wisdom is asking you to tune into the authentic support that is cheering you on. And the community of women who want you to thrive in motherhood.
Because we are here and we do care. While we might not be able to hold your hand when you are in labour, we can and do embrace your desires. We honour your choices and we trust your wisdom - just the way you are. Support like this is powerful, Deborah, and something I would love to have had myself.
When you are feeling alone and want a baby - as you have been Deborah - become the author of your life and change the plot.
Introduce a turning point into your fertility story that allows you to feel the depth of our connection. Because you have the power to do that and the process will support your fertility. How? As you engage with this exercise, you channel your creative feminine power into the best possible version of your desires.
You also set the stage for relationships with your family of origin and your children in which you can and do show up as the woman and mother you were born to be! Thank you for allowing us to be part of your motherhood support team and for being part of ours.
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