Alone And Want A Baby After 40 – 3 Tips

alone and want a baby

​​Alone And Want A Baby  

​When you are alone and want a baby after 40, getting pregnant goes way beyond the biological bits. Because the implications for a woman are so much broader. ​Until recently - with patriarchy cock sure of itself - having a baby as a single woman was a punishable offence. 

​Because a husband was necessary to make that legitimate. Sentences were issued willy-nilly -  the most lenient of which was social ​judgement and exclusion. ​Lost opportunities in education and the work space were par for the course too.

This continues in many places and even now, the whole debate about whether you should have a baby alone still means 'without a man'. (I have explored this in posts such as 'I want a baby but I'm single and 48​').

 ​Deborah's Story

​There are also other scenarios in which women feel alone and want a baby. For example, when the issue is 'I want my partner to want a baby too​'.

​Or, as I discovered, you can find yourself alone even with a loving partner who wants fatherhood (see I don't want to have a baby on my own​). This audio and article below, however, were inspired by a message I received from Deborah. Here is an extract of what she had to share:

this audio comes about in response to a message I received from Chloe who was 45 and pregnant.

"Deirdre, ​​​I am alone and I speak to no one openly about fertility but you.

My father is pressuring me to get promoted and he is a source of stress.

My brother is someone who doesn't like the whole decision of me having a baby since I have no proper relationship. 

Deirdre, how do we deal with pregnancy after so much history? I fear I don't have the tools to be a confident pregnant woman.
. I'd like to support you is just to share what I hear in that question. And what is happening. It sounds like it is that you're reviewing your history of many efforts and many attempts and the feeling of failure where you've tried and it hasn't working for tried and it hasn't worked. And this has been repeated over and over in different ways in your fertility journey in your motherhood journey. And so I'd just like to remind you here that this kind of approach or interpretation of our fertility journey is very much a patriarca one in which success is only seen in terms of the outcome, the project the baby. And you were being invited to engage your feminine wisdom here because that's history his story the patriarchal interpretation and is time for her story, your story the feminine version of what has unfolded for you over the last year to show up here now because if you reflect back on all this journey you will see clearly how each of those experiences have helped you to show-up more authentically to discern Who you really want to be in the world and have added to your empowerment to your sense of serve to your sense of integrity to your confidence and to your allowing yourself to be you instead of having to do this in a particular way at a particular time. This journey has made you step up and say you know I want it now even if the circumstances aren't perfect according to the patriarchal download.

Alone And Want A Baby - Tip 1

​Thank you so much Deborah for your share. With the intention of serving you, I will hone in on a few different pieces where your feminine wisdom is wanting to burst through!

​What I am hearing is a lot of pressure on you to live your life according to masculine preferences. The people you mention in your story are male and part of your family and this is important to note.

​Because one of the measure of success in our patriarchal world, is that the family 'looks' good. So your dad steers you into climbing the corporate ladder, for example. And your brother lets you know that having a baby without a man is not acceptable. ​Your own desires and vision for your life are irrelevant and how you feel isn't taken into consideration.

This, Deborah, is exactly how patriarchy has continued for so long and it has ensured that women remain disconnected from our creative feminine power. So, tip 1 is to be aware of this dynamic as that in itself begins to loosen the grip it has had around your fertility.

 ​My Experience

​Creating a new family, especially if you are alone and want a baby, calls us to make changes in our family of origin. In some instances, although never mentioned in the books, it is a core piece of the motherhood journey.

But it's not easy because we have been 'playing' roles (e.g. daughter, sister, niece, cousin etc.) for years and can meet a lot of resistance when we try to remove that costume and morph into a different character. I can totally relate because it's something that I have struggled with also.

​My fertility journey and miscarriages forced me to rewrite my script though because they revealed to me how some of these relationships were depleting my energy and adding fertility stress​ instead. But much more than that, it became obvious that by continuing as I was with my family of origin, I could not be the kind of mother I truly desire to be.

​​It's not personal and they may be very 'good' people. 

What matters here is whether they really support your desires and ​growth or want you to remain the 'same' and available to them in the way you always have been.

​Take note how you feel mostly when you are with them or thinking about them. Feeling stressed, inadequate, undermined or used are indicators that these relationships need to change for you.

 Tip 2 - Designing Your Family

​My sense, Deborah, is that your feminine wisdom is guiding you to expand what you think is possible, appropriate or loving here. Especially in how you show up in your family and the degree to which they influence your life.

So Tip 2 is to decide on what boundaries and kind of relationships you need to have with them so you can show up in your full creative, feminine power. Which you need for your motherhood now. Write down how often you want to see these people (if at all) and in what circumstances. How do you want to feel when with them?

It's not about coming up with a solution that would be tolerable or one you could manage. I am asking you to look honestly at your relationships and design them (in your heart and mind firstly) so that they do support your creative feminine. And nourish you as a woman. This is so important for you.

 Alone And Want A Baby?

​You mentioned a few times that you are alone and want a baby. ​It's something you are feeling deeply and this is the third part I would like to address. While aloneness does not necessarily mean lonely, it can be.

(Tip 3) ​Your feminine wisdom is really wanting you to FORM a new story around that Deborah (step 1 of my Feminine Engagement Method®). How?

Well, even if - from a patriarchal perspective - you are alone, your feminine wisdom is asking you to tune into the authentic support that is cheering you on. And the community of women who want you to thrive in motherhood.

Because we are here and we do care.​ While we might not be able to hold your hand when you are in labour, we can and do embrace your desires. We honour your choices and we trust your wisdom - just the way you are. Support like this is powerful, Deborah, and something I would love to have had myself.

And each of those experiences those baby's those attempts have added to you as a woman even if that's not obvious to the medical model or to patriarchy. And so I'd really be inviting you to really connect with your story in a new way and forget the patriarchal history so that you can write your own story and that links to the form stage of my feminine engagement method. But you are really being invited here now to switch that mantra in your head about failure and last in two one hour gain and empowerment and I'd actually be asking you to go through each of those parent classes and of course many of them will have been difficult and painful.

 Not Alone And Want A Baby!

​When you are feeling alone and want a baby - as you have been Deborah - become the author of your life and change the plot.

Introduce a turning point into your fertility story that allows you to feel the depth of our connection. Because you have the power to do that and the process will support your fertility. ​How? As you engage with this exercise, you channel your creative feminine power into the best possible version of your desires.

You also set the stage for relationships with your family of origin and your children in which you can and do show up as the woman and mother you were born to be! Thank you for allowing us to be part of your motherhood support team and for being part of ours.

Audio - ​Alone And Want A Baby

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